December 6, 2023
Prose for “The Venus Hottentot”
“Small things in this world are mine.”
You chose my name and my story / you refigured my mind to see through your eyes / but your eyes are dark / the entitlement you hold shocks me / “small things in this world are mine” / my breath and my blood may be yours but my skin is mine / the ants I watch / the only thing I can watch / they are not yours / such small beings yet they live independently of you / they do not need you / I do not need you / you think you are saving me / keeping me alive / I have been dying for years due to your hands / due to being made small to fit into your world / if you own me and the small things in the world / who owns you / do they use you as a puppet like you use me as yours / you say “dance” and I dance but I waltz instead of ballet / I will disobey you at every command / I am not yours / I birthed the person who I am now / this blood that you take / it once was a theory in time and space / that isn’t such a small thing / now is it?
“...cabbage-smelling citizens who stare and query, “Is it muscle? bone? or fat?” “
It must be flowers / daisies or tulips or roses / yes / roses / must not be putrid nor revolting / let us breathe / right? / examine our bodies up and down to find the broken pieces / or pieces that will break / or to break / you are broken / you see that person over there / the one leaning limp against the wall / they starve themselves all day and look at how beautiful that has made them / look at how those men carry them away / if you do that / men will pay attention to you / then maybe / just maybe / you will be acknowledged by people / why do you think you have the right to beauty when you look like that? / people like you need fixing / you don’t think so? / you are never going to get anything you want / trust me / you need it.
“A professional animal trainer shouts my cues.”
Please / won’t you please tell me what I must do to satisfy you / dance in circles or twirl my hair / better yet / you choose my hair / whatever you want / whatever will leave you satisfied / anything to satisfy you / my dear / yes / I am yours and only yours / no / I won’t tell a single soul / I am loyal / I would never expose our relationship / You told me people won’t understand / of course they won’t understand / what we have is special / that is why we must hide it / tell me what you want and I’ll do it / your wildest fantasies / tell me / why are you backing away? / are you bored? / I thought this was what you wanted / you wanted me to obey you / are you bored because I finally am? / yes / I stopped fighting you / this is love / I will not fight love / I am not fighting / is that the problem? / are you no longer attracted to me because I’m easy now? / is it not fun anymore because I’m saying yes? / were you only attracted to my ‘no’? / please / come back / you said I needed you / I’m not fighting anymore / I will do whatever you say / can you hear me? / will you find someone else? / don’t answer / I know you will / don’t tell them what you want in case they do it / like I did / I said yes / and you left / want me to say no again?
“Now I am bitter and now I am sick.”
I used to be a nicer person / healed from the past and able to give the world love again / I showered people with kindness / including yourself / wanted to be there for people because I was okay / I had the capacity to be there / at peace and content and truly happy / prioritized myself / got through to my anxious thoughts and told them the truth / I am loved / look at what you did / now I am bitter and now I am sick / is it a coincidence that I became sick when you came along? / the bitterness/ that came quite a bit later / you broke me down / slowly / quietly / brutally / I kept defending you / wanted to see the good in everyone as I was doing / you said you loved me / cared for me / and I believed you / why wouldn’t I? / you deceived me and gave me your pain / took my softness and formed it into a disfigured person to harden / do you know how hard it is to undo everything? / any idea how many of the marks on my arm are because of you? / it is all because of you / you made it about yourself and forced it down my throat claiming it was medicine / claimed that you were the best / that no one would ever treat me like this / you were partially right / no one will ever treat me in such a despicable and degrading way / ever again / thank you for being an example as to the type of people who don’t deserve a single thing that they have / thank you for showing me just how awful of a person you are / that allowed me to see the beauty in myself / I am beautiful for not being like you.
“Since my own genitals are public I have made other parts private.”
My body has been on display since I was born / born early / so tall / such a big baby / takes after her dad / all through school the attention was on me / always / positive attention / but no attention was positive to me then / the attention slowly became negative / derogatory / dismissive / destructive / it was jarring / but I said nothing / I never said anything before so why would I now? / do I even have the right? / but another kind of attention arrived / seemed positive / made me feel good / the negative attention I received throughout the day was balanced with the positive attention I received at night / every night / only a few people / then suddenly everyone / not my choice / people get upset over this but for me I was happy / everyone was worshiping my body / everyone knew how I looked / they saw the only parts of me with value / I was exposed to the world and it didn’t phase me / let my body become a public viewing / something that supported my ego (insecurities) / if my whole being is public then people will assume I don’t hide / they will never expect what is going on in my mind / and they didn’t / my plans / a secret / this is how I tricked them / this is how my body on display gave me the power I needed to run / I broke free from the body I was locked inside.