September 18, 2023

Chronically ill, maybe

On a good day, it’s a four.

Symptoms: moderate joint and muscle pain focused around ankles and lower legs; moderate fatigue; moderate head fogginess; little to no nausea; little shortness of breath; manageable.

On my best day, it’s a two.

Symptoms: tenderness around the ankles; little fatigue focused at the end of the day; little head fogginess; livable.

On my worst day, it’s a nine.

Symptoms: severe widespread joint and muscle pain; severe fatigue; severe head fogginess; moderate to severe nausea, sometimes with vomiting; severe shortness of breath; debilitating.

The numbers on each day ebb and flow so unexpectedly

Any day could be good, best, or worst.

The wide range of active and social to bedbound and isolated causes disbelief

Maybe not from others but from myself.

I invalidate my own illness due to being “fine” some days

I’m convinced I’m making it up for attention

Am I?

But this pain is real

The fatigue is uncontrollable to a level I don’t even understand

The memory, mood, vision, mental issues

Is everything caused by this?

Is everything worse because of this?

Or is that just my excuse?

I have my diagnosis from a doctor

But somehow that still isn’t enough

To stop dismissing my feelings and silencing my own body

I can hear it yelling at me

Yelling for me to slow down and rest and just simply listen

But I can’t for I have become deaf to the pain and side effects

This is my normalcy

It is only the fatigue that can stop me

And it does.

I don’t listen to my body

And it makes me listen.

Is it real yet?

Is this enough?