October 2, 2023

The Effect of your Love

The door is locked, I’m not alone

but I’m afraid.

My mom was here

but I was still afraid.

I’m in my bed, under my blankets

I’m so afraid.

He’s in another state

and I am terrified.

Tomorrow he’ll be here.

I try telling myself it’s no big deal

I have no reason to feel unsafe

But if that’s true, why do I?

His abuse is sneaky

He is cruel in a nice way

Rude in a soft way

Or maybe this is all him 

manipulating, gaslighting.

He said “No one will ever love you as much as I do”

If this is love, I don’t want it.

If you are treating me as someone you love so much

then why are you hurting me?

I feel unsafe in my own room when you are states away.

I feel on guard walking around, not knowing if I’ll see you

Not knowing if you’ll talk to me

Not knowing if you’ll pretend like you haven’t done a thing

Like you haven’t touched me the way that you did

or used me the way that you did

or speak to me the way that you did

or love me the way that you did.

You keep using the word love with me.

I don’t want it.

I never asked for it.

You gave it to me and it’s something you won’t let me return.

“Take it!” I want to scream

so then you never have to speak to me or touch me or feel me or hurt me again.

Your love ruined me and now I am left to clean up the mess

of your broken heart.