March 22, 2023

Mom: My Safe Haven

I want to go home

I miss my mom

I need her to hold all the broken pieces in me

As I fear that I will lose them altogether

If they fall out

I miss my mom

I miss her laugh

Her love

Her straight-forward, no bullshit attitude

I used to have that

I want it back

Maybe she can teach me how to have that again

I need my mom

I need her to hold me while I cry

And feel the warmth of her hands on my head

On my cheek as she wipes tears off of my face

On my cheeks as she pulls my face to look me in the eyes

I want my mom’s eyes

She has a way of saying exactly what she needs to with them

So much love, anger, and worry is stored 

I don’t want to watch her eyes hurt because of me

I know it wasn’t my fault

And I know this has happened to her

She has hinted at it far too many times

She warned me

She warned me so many times

I listened

Or at least I thought I listened

I love her so much

This would break her

I don’t want this shared experience with her

And I know she’ll think the same

Her child, her baby

Hurt in one of the worst ways possible

I know it wasn’t my fault

I think

I wish I didn’t have to say it

I want to tell her but I don’t think I can say that word

All I want is her love and support

But I love her too much to do this to her

I can’t break her

I won’t

I should’ve known better

She told me

She warned me

She told me what to do

She told me the horror stories

She taught me about consent

She taught me about safe sex

She warned me about this

I feel as though I failed her test

I failed the universe’s test

Fuck, I even failed that guy’s test

I let him get away with it

Because of me more people will get hurt

All because I didn’t say anything

I could’ve

I wanted to

But I was frozen

Unable to speak

Can my mom fix this?

I miss her so much.