March 10, 2023

Why?

I don’t know if I’ll ever be myself again

I feel that I’ve had too much loss

For this pain I can’t gloss

It just grows over me like moss

Where do I even begin?

I’m lost.

I feel like a shell of who I was before

In the mirror I see things

The weight from trauma that clings

In my eyes is where it stings

God, my heart is so sore.

Where do I go? I’ve lost home

Is it with my family or friends

Or is it where each sentence ends

Or maybe it just depends

On how my body bends

Since it’s used like discardable foam

It’s kicked like a fucking garden gnome

Where, oh where, can I roam?

It’s not on the street

It’s not in my class

Is it mass?

Does trauma plus trauma make it all pass

When my eyes are glass

And I’m scared to pass

The places where we might meet.

Why did you do this to me?

Did you think I gave consent?

Is that what you thought I meant?

That I gave my body up for rent

And you thought you were a gent?

That’s not the way it went

I guess you just won’t see.

You made it hard to breathe

I was gasping for air

You didn’t think this was rare?

Don’t you dare

Say that you care

That we were a pair

This isn’t fair

Why didn’t you leave?

Do your friends know what you do?

The way you abuse

And use

Not giving a chance for me to refuse

You knew I would lose

But this was old news

Just my name in the queue

I feel all alone

Who do I tell?

How do I talk about this hell?

The day my spirit fell

I felt locked in a cell

Like someone you could sell

Someone you needed to bone

I feel broken

Like my world was shattered

I heard it clattered

When my heart hit the ground and scattered

Like the rest of me it was equally battered

But to you none of that mattered

And when will it? When?

I hope one day you realize

The impact of this one night

That you thought was a delight

But actually was a fright

Because you had no right

How will I see the light

When I can’t even rise