April 1, 2020

Reality in a Fight

It’s like there’s a burning feeling in the words we speak

Almost as if I took a shot, it stings my throat

Not only the words spoken but how they are said

That’s what gets me the most.

I hold my pillow as I tell him I’m okay

I promise nothing is wrong to avoid another fight

Not sure why I would break a promise like that but I did

Maybe for us, if that’s what I was trying to do.

But he knows

I know

The tension remains

The stress builds.

The words “I’m fine” or “I’m okay” just slip out of my mouth now

Automatically they’re spoken

Not spoken from my heart but from my mind.

My mind doesn’t want to fight

Doesn’t want to break my heart anymore

Yet lying to him

Creating the distance

Losing him

Is what breaks my heart the most.

Why can’t I communicate with him?

Because I have before

Because I have tried

Because I have spoken my truth but he didn’t care to listen

No, that’s a reality I don’t want to see

Maybe that’s why I can’t;

To have fleeting hope that he was listening

He does care

He just forgot or didn’t know what I meant

But what happens if it’s unlike that?

What do I do then?